orphan. ancestor. age.

self is a work in progress. we’re always becoming. and as life changes and shifts our identity can shift as well. one important part of strengthening your sense of self is self-definition. we get to choose the words and write the definitions that mean something to our self… that liberate you instead of caging you in. here are some of the words and definitions i have been exploring for my self recently…

orphan.

this label was a hard one to inherit. it was not a label i had ever considered would be mine, though of course it was always inevitable. sometimes new labels appear in our timeline and it’s up to us to figure out how to embrace them. rejecting this particular label wasn’t really an option, it was a simple fact of my life now. choosing a different word in its stead didn’t help, the meaning was still the same… both my parents were dead. though i am not alone in this world, i am surrounded by family – found and blood – i am in fact an orphan and the truth of that rested heavy on my heart.

i looked to the definition of the word to find meaning, to find freedom.

i discovered a meaning for the word that i hadn’t considered. an orphan (in the printing industry) is “a line separated from the related text or the rest of the paragraph, appearing alone on the page.” an orphan is generally undesirable in printing… you wouldn’t want the page to end with an incomplete sentence.

…karen is a girl who…

this definition is what shifted things for me. it turned this label from a tragic fact into a reminder of what comes next. i am free to change the rest of the paragraph, i am free to write whatever comes on the next page.

ancestor.

experiencing the loss of both my grandparents and both my parents in a very short time frame got me thinking about what it means to be a good ancestor.

as much as my orphan status affords me an opportunity to write the next chapter of my life – a clean slate free of constraints or expectations, no longer tied to stories or structures of the past – i wish to honour the best of those who came before me.

i know there is a lot of information out there on generational trauma and generational healing – healing the wounds we carry from those who came before and changing the trajectory of those who come after (dr. judith rich) – but i think there is also value in embracing our generational strengths and generational gifts.

i believe that every time i honour the beautifulparts of me that i know came from my parents and grandparents, not only do i help them live on through me but i am strengthening who i am being here in this lifetime. i know that i have so much to give because of all they gave to me.

and i believe that simply living my life – for life is for the living – living fully and freely, in full expression of my self, my gifts, and my purpose… is in fact generational healing. doing the work to strengthen, empower, and cultivate myself… doing my best to live a life that lights me up… that is healing. for me and for those who have lived before me.

age.

i am 16. i am 20. i am 44.

i thought that these labels were no longer applicable to me, for they are no longer true.

but one day, i was listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast and she was talking about her daughter’s birthday. her daughter said she was sad that she would never be this age again, and Glennon said: no! you will always be this age, this age you are right now will always be inside of you.

that idea stopped me in my tracks and i was instantly filled with a sense of peace.

i am every age i have ever been.

i am 48 and i am also 44 – the age i was when i last held my mom and my dad’s hands.

i am also 43 – the me that got to have a soul filling ‘girls trip’ with my mom, i didn’t know then it would be my last.

i am also 39 – the me that last had my whole family together on vacation in Canada.

i am also 30 – the me that moved away from home to a new adventure in australia but promised to return every year.

i am also 20 – young and free and living life with joy while my parents cheered me on.

in any instant i can find that part of me and again be holding hands, be on vacation, be cheered on.

i am all of my ages. like a matryoshka doll… i can look inside of me, find each part of me, find each age i have ever been, and be that me again.

i am still the me i once was, i am the me i am now, and i am the me that i will one day be.