self-leadership
note: the following is a transcript of the podcast episode: self-leadership. click here to listen.
hi! my name is karen and i am a self-leadership coach. it’s taken me about 5 years to figure that out and say it out loud. here’s the story.
back in 2018 i started writing a book that would become a compilation of strategies that i used to help people get unstuck. for years i had been doing work to support women in business – helping them to share their mission with their branding, marketing, and writing. but over time i discovered that what i was really into was helping people believe in themselves… know their worth, know their purpose, know their light… and know that they had the power within themselves to rise up out of stuckness… to take themselves by the hand and lead themselves toward the life they say they want.
i thought this could be called self-leadership.
in my exploration of this idea, i discovered some books and definitions already written about self-leadership that seemed to be focused on self-development as a pathway to becoming a better team leader or mentor… a quote i read was: “you can’t lead others unless you lead yourself first”. when you google ‘self-leadership’ you’ll find Andrew Bryant’s book: self leadership – how to be a more successful, efficient and effective leader from the inside out. he shares this definition: “self leadership is the practice of intentionally influencing your thinking, feeling, and actions towards your objectives.”
i felt there was something about that definition and vibe of self-leadership that didn’t feel exactly right. it felt a bit ‘corporate’ to me, maybe a bit too tactical/problem-solvy/goal-oriented for a sensitive me… a soul seeking, heart-centred, purpose driven me. i thought, at that time: hmmmmm. maybe i will just hold onto this idea and see what evolves. maybe some other better word that describes what i want to do will appear.
ironically, i was about to experience some big lessons on how to lead myself out of struggle and stuckness… my world was about to turn upside down. 2018 was the start of a long period of grief, loss, depression, anxiety, languishing. my depression started with deep, heart-aching, home sickness… first i lost my dream of home, and then i lost both my mom and my dad, and somewhere along the way i lost my self.
in 2021 i decided that i no longer wanted to be lost… my word for the year was found and so i embarked on a bit of an inner quest to learn about me, to remember me, to honour all of me… to know: this is me.
this ended up being one of the best things i could do for my self… first to remember that i had a self, that i was a self… a whole, unbroken, complete, flawed, brilliant self. that i had an inner, soul self that had never stopped shining. i lost myself to find myself and come home to myself… and in knowing myself i also knew my worth (and you can learn more about that in my new book enough… it is all about how we claim our worth... find it here.)
when i was at my lowest low – in the depths of my depression, anxiety, and grief – i remember thinking: if only someone could swoop in and fix me… if only there was a magic pill or magic wand… if only i could wake up tomorrow feeling better.
in that moment it was like i heard a whisper in my head: what if you were the hero you’ve been waiting for. what if you are your own magic wand?
in that moment i decided to give it a genuine try. and to be very clear – this work is absolutely not a magic pill in that it worked over night, and this work is still a work in progress… i think self is a work in progress. but that moment was a first baby step. deciding to act like a damn hero and save my own life.
i started with finding and knowing myself and i committed to learning how to help myself. i returned to the notion of self – leadership, only this time i included extra pieces i had been learning about: i found helpful lessons on self-leadership within positive psychology, mindfulness and self-compassion, acceptance and commitment therapy, parts work therapy, and more.
now, i define self-leadership as cultivating a strong sense of self and tapping into the power of the self to create a self-led inner and outer world.
the way that i perform and teach self-leadership requires 3 things:
1. self-knowledge and strengthening the self
this is about creating a meaningful map of the self. when i use the word self, i am talking about inner you, truest you, real you… however you want to think of it… my word for this is soul self. often, self-development or self-discovery work points to aspects of self in relation to what we do or offer, who we are in relation to others, what it is we want to achieve or accomplish, who we have had to be in order to manage. and that information is indeed useful for many things. but to become more self-led we must also know who we are without all of that – when we take away the roles we play, who we are to others, what we do for others, who is that self? this is the you that is just for you – a you that is untainted and unrestrained by the world around you, by what everyone and everything else has needed you to be.
2. self-compassion and leading your self
this is about exploring the struggle. we have a soul self and we also have inner parts, these shifting states of mind – thoughts, feelings, beliefs, behaviours – that respond and react to life. shit happens. (because shit always happens, that is life.) and then what? a part of you feels afraid, a part of you tries to control everything, a part of you gets agitated… that’s life too! we lead our self when we turn towards our thoughts and feelings with self-compassion. this is where you get to act like a leader… like the CEO at the head of the table… to guide, influence, motivate, validate, and honour your self… to explore what those parts of you need in order to alleviate suffering and get unstuck.
3. self-direction and leading with self
this is about creating a self-forward approach… a life where self takes the lead. when we know our selves and know our parts we can then choose behaviours and beliefs that are congruent with and rooted in who we are and who we want to be… we create a self-led inner world and outer world, we use the power of our self to move forward with meaning, we direct our own lives based on our understanding of our self, our strengths, and our struggles. self drives the bus.
this three part framework of self-leadership is what i have been using to help myself over the past few years. again, it is not some kind of overnight success story… i was sad and depressed and lost and yay now i am found and ignited and kicking ass. most days i am not kicking ass, i assure you. but things are finally shifting and changing.
why learn to self-lead? why does it help with struggle and stuckness?
there is a phrase i learned from ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy): the problem is not the problem. the struggle is the problem. i also add: you are not the problem. you are so much more than your struggles! hard things happen. it is not hard because you are doing it wrong or there is something wrong with you. it’s hard because life is hard sometimes.
self-leadership reminds us that we are so so much more than whatever struggle or stuckness we are in. i have learned that i am not the crashing waves that knock me down sometimes, i am the whole fucking ocean. i am not this awful dark cloud that blocks out the light, i am the whole damn sky.
self-leadership helps me to tap into the power of my amazing, flawed, brilliant self – to actively empower myself – in order to lead my inner world (my beliefs and feelings and thoughts) and my outer world (my behaviours and actions.)
let me share a small example of how i used self-leadership just this week. note: this isn’t really about a big dilemma or even a mental health struggle, but rather an interpersonal conflict that occurred one day. but it is an example of how a self-leadership approach can help in all sorts of tricky situations.
so, after a conversation with another person i noticed that i was soooooo annoyed and irritated. i was ruminating, spinning, vacillating between beating myself up and raging about the other person and wanting to give the whole thing up entirely. my inner word machine just wouldn’t quit.
i went back to my self-leadership tools. i had to remember the problem (the issue raised by this person) was not in fact the problem. the struggle is the problem. (i.e. my inner struggle. all that ruminating.) i also had to remember that i am not the problem, i.e. i am not a problem. there is not something wrong with me. i am a creative, clever, wise self who is, yes, struggling at this moment, but also so much more than this one issue! i explored what parts of me were agitated and what those parts of me needed to stop struggling. and then i chose a next right step rooted in the kind of person i want to be, the self that i already am.
did the situation magically resolve? no. the problem is still there, it still exists in the world. but i feel like i’ve got this now in that i am not going to keep ruminating and i am choosing what is right for me to do next. being my own hero isn’t about winning the battle, it’s about putting down the sword and walking away from the battle… it’s not about fixing the problem, it’s about knowing what part of me is agitated by the problem… it’s about accepting the problem is there but i don’t have to stay hooked to it… i can walk towards more of what is true to me.
so that is just one example from an ordinary day. hard things happen, resistance and overwhelm and rumination and worry and fear happen… but self-leadership offers a pathway to allow for all of that stuff as well as a way through to the other side.
so, who is self-leadership for? who would benefit?
whatever struggle you are in, maybe you have been thinking: there has got to be a better way! or something has got to give. or i wish i had a magic wand. maybe you feel at the end of your rope, or you are frankly sick of the rope… what if you could learn how to put the rope down all together? i believe the pre-requisite for self-leadership is a desire to help your self. if you are stuck or struggling in any way; if you have lost your direction, purpose, self, or mojo; if you aren’t sure what your next steps should be… i think self-leadership as a process and pathway could help.
but first, you need to decide that you want to be your own hero.
let me read you an excerpt from my new book, enough.
what if the hero you have been waiting for is you? what if you are the hero of your own story?
if you could know that for sure, what would you do then?
think like a hero… what would a hero do? perhaps something like this:
o i have my own back
o i will not give up on me
o i fight for what matters to me
o i slay my dragons
o i liberate myself
o i empower myself
o i am the magic wand
can you think of any other things a hero would do for you that you might be able to do for yourself?
because it is time to be your own damn hero. yep, just like we said from the start: it’s an inside job. just as you need to claim your self and heal your self you also need to lead your self.
(again, that was a little excerpt from my book enough which you can read for free here)
in the depths of my recent loss and depression i had a thought that my business and my time to help people was over. the part of me that was tired and dejected said: why bother. you had your chance to help people and you blew it, you gave up. you can’t even get yourself unstuck. better to quit now.
and then a facebook memory popped up from 2016 of my mom raving about my first book, the lighthouse revolution. it wasn’t remembering her encouragement that inspired me, it was remembering her struggle. by the time my mom found out she had terminal cancer at the start of 2019, she had already been stuck for a very long time. she was this vibrant, creative, empathic soul… she loved art, and craft, and gardening, and travelling… she loved gathering with her favourite people… she loved books and learning and debating… and somewhere along the way she lost hold of those things, lost sight of her beautiful soul self. she had no energy, no mojo, no purpose, no direction. she was waiting for things to get better – she was only 66 when she passed – i believe she was wishing for a hero, for a magic wand. she told me once, around the time that i wrote that book, that i was her hero – god, she love to watch me shine. i just wish she had known that she could have been her own hero, i wish i had a chance to teach her how.
my mom is my why. she is how i know that i cannot swoop in and save the day for anyone, but i can perhaps help people learn how to save their own day. she is the reason i decided to get back to my business, to not quit. i don’t want to watch anyone else stay stuck or flounder in struggle or give up on their dreams or doubt their capacity for creating a life they love. i don’t want to watch ME do those things… she inspired me to remember that life is worth living, worth fighting for. she is my why… i don’t want anyone to stay stuck, not on my watch.
so here i am. with a new mission to help people hero. my mission is liberation through self-leadership…liberation as in freedom from and freedom to.
i believe you can absolutely…
lead yourself out of/create freedom from: struggle, stuckness, resistance, pain
and lead yourself toward/create freedom to: be you, choose your purpose, do more of what you say you want to do, live a life that you love.
i hope you believe that too.
i hope i have inspired you to “be self and do self” because self is the pre-requisite.
if you want to claim your worth, claim your self.
if you want to find your purpose, find your self.
if you want to connect with others, connect with your self.
if you want to figure out your next steps, figure out your self.
if you want to learn to let go, be brave, get unstuck, heal… learn your self.
in other words… you lead your self, and you lead with self, but it also always leads back to self.