be well

hi there, thanks for joining me! i am a life coach, author, and teacher… i help people who have been struggling to get unstuck and shine their light! in this episode we’re going to explore the ideas of well vs good.

a few months ago, i was listening to a podcast with the incomparable liz gilbert and she said this: “have you inherited a belief that you’re not allowed to feel well?”

and i thought… ooof. like not even an AHA but a gut punch ooof. liz talked about how she realised that what feels good might not be what is good for you.

that brought to mind some of the things that we might find ourselves doing that are about numbing, avoiding, procrastinating, controlling, reacting… things that might help us stay small, safe, or unseen… they might feel good, at least for a moment, but might not necessarily help you be well.

some things that i noted that feel good to do but perhaps are not good for me are:

- mindless scrolling through social media (which quiets my spinning brain)

- staying up crazy late to read a book (which feels better than tossing and turning with insomnia)

- bingeing 6 seasons and 2 movies of downton abbey while i finished two crochet projects (and i will be honest all 3 of these examples are probably about numbing, avoiding, and procrastinating.)

so that got me thinking about “what is wellness”…

i will admit that i have a bit of a knee jerk reaction to that word. perhaps words like wellness and wellbeing are used so widely by so many life-coach self-help types that they begin to lose a bit of impact. or perhaps it is that thing where you are really struggling and someone comes along to talk about their “wellness journey” and you kind of want to scream! i think we need to be really careful to honour the truth of the struggle, the reality of how truly difficult it can be to focus on something like wellness when you are simply, barely surviving. i do not want to bypass the reality of the hard things we are in with a “wellness journey” wrapped up in a pretty bow.

what i am interested in is self-agency and self-leadership… i think we can explore ideas, like wellness, in a way that is meaningful to who we ARE, to what our SELF might need or use. so let’s try that!

first of all – let’s explore what the word ‘well’ means, according to the dictionary. here’s what i found from a variety of sources:

well means:

- in good health (including mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, social)

- quality of life (again in all of those areas)

- what is good for you (again… we’re talking body, mind, spirit)

- what is in your best interest

and it is also interesting to explore the word health, which means:

- free of disease or impairment (again, it’s important to think of all of those areas)

- adequately coping with the demands of daily living

- balance, equilibrium

i love to explore the meaning of words because i think it can offer nuance that we don’t always come to on our own. for instance with the word health i tend to think of the free from disease or impairment definition but nuance comes from words like ‘coping’ and ‘balance’ – it points to the way that maybe watching an episode of downton abbey to quiet a spinning mind for a bit is one thing but bingeing 52 episodes and 2 movies in two weeks is maybe not so good for you – the balance isn’t there, neither is the coping adequately with life. and we can sometimes focus on health and wellness in some areas (say physical health or mental health) while neglecting others (like our social health or spiritual health) and trick ourselves into believing all is well.

so with these nuances in mind, the next step is to know your SELF. what do these areas of wellness and health mean to you? for you? what does your SELF need? and when i use the word SELF i am using it with big capital letters – this is your innermost, truest, youest self – it’s the you that is just for you… i think of it as my soul self. i heard someone once say that the first step is to know you have a SELF. you ARE a SELF. a whole, brilliant, deserving, enough SELF. ask: what does your SELF need? what is in the best interest of your SELF (body, mind, spirit).

and while you explore your SELF – please be careful to do so with self-compassion and curiosity. watch out for self-judgement, for shaming yourself or beating yourself up – this is about loving your SELF up. tune into a calm curiosity by using words like: hmmmmmm, i wonder… grab a notebook and make some lists.

- what is good for you?

- what feels good but isn’t all that good for you?

- are there any switches you can make?

- are there any place you can ‘sneak in’ (or piggy back) more of what is good for you?

- how will you know when you are being well? what are the signs of being well?

as you make your lists watch out for your eggs and your baskets! when i started walking i immediately noticed improvements in my well-being. so i kept walking, i walked more often, i walked further, it became a really important part of my day. and then i hurt my knee and couldn’t walk and i got really worried – i had been feeling so much better and i was afraid to slide backwards again. all my wellness eggs were in one basket, in fact i probably only had one egg and one basket.

i had to ask myself: what do i really need? what is it about walking that is good for me?

my list included:

- being outside, being in nature or being at the beach; for me this is spirituality, mindfulness, groundedness

- listening to podcasts, being inspired or learning, the seeker, sage, creative part of me ignited

- being social or being solitary; depending on what my self needed, both are important at different times

- moving my body; feel good endorphins, exercise, stretching, strength, feeling fitter and stronger

- getting out of bed

so make your lists and then expand even further, explore your baskets and brainstorm more eggs for each basket. what is good for you and what is it that your SELF loves. it’s ok if you’re not sure yet – sometimes we haven’t asked our SELF in so long what it needs that it can be hard to know – but that is the fun of exploring. get creative, be silly if you want – i added ‘moisturising’ to my physical basket because i have all of this expensive skin care stuff that i never ‘remember’ to use! – and simply be curious: i wonder if i did this thing if that would count as something good for me?

once you have a big experimental list, i suggest actually building some more of that stuff into your days! i have this thing where i like to do ’31 day challenges’ – that is how i started walking, i thought “what if i walk for 31 days in march and see if that makes a difference to my mental health”. i call it a #marchmarch and i am about to start another one! i’ve done it to start meditating each day, to write every day, i’ve even done it to help someone every day! but when it came to this exploration of “being well” i decided to do something a little bit different: instead of choosing one thing to do for 31 days, i instead took my big list of baskets and eggs and decided to track whatever i did that was good for myself. i tracked for 31 days and it was really interesting! it’s all about the noticing! i noticed that somethings i was actually doing really well (sometimes we can forget the good stuff we all ready do for our SELF) and other things were things i knew would be good and that i wanted to do but i just never ‘remembered’ so that was worth exploring a but further. plus some days were easier than others – i could see which days i put myself last because i was busy with everyone else’s stuff!

so i highly recommend setting yourself a little wellness exploration and see what there is to notice. if you want to join me and do your very own 31 day #marchmarch you will find information about that here.

one last area of SELF that i believe is important to explore goes back to that initial question of liz gilbert’s: have you inherited a belief that you’re not allowed to feel well? maybe inherited doesn’t feel like quite the right word… were you taught that you can’t feel well? did an experience show you that it wasn’t safe to feel well?

explore what that unconscious belief might be for you and where you might have learned it along the way. explore what exactly are the bad things or hard things that might happen if you were in fact well or if you focused on your own wellness: what will happen if i do this for me, if i do what is good for me?

for instance this could be: receiving criticism or resentment, having the spotlight on you, losing loved ones or leaving them behind, things will change, new possibilities/opportunities could open up (sometimes we fear the good stuff as much as the bad stuff! ask: what could a well me do? and see if that is scary in some way!)

remember your curiosity, non-judgement, and self-compassion. it can be a bit unnerving to explore this stuff but this sort of stuff is what festers and grows in the darkness. you shining your light of awareness on any fears or worries makes them lose their power!

a limiting belief is a belief that holds you back. the good news is that when we recognise our limiting beliefs we can rebuild them to create empowering beliefs. i am not allowed to be well can become: it is my job to be well, it is safe to be well, i deserve to be well.

i’d like to leave you with an excerpt from my new book, coming out soon, which is called enough.

lovey, this is your permission slip to put you first

how often do you prioritise your self?

you might hear that and think: ugh another person telling me i need more self care. and yes, self care can be a way to put yourself first. but it’s not the only way, and it’s actually not even the point.

this is permission to prioritise how YOU experience the world over how the world experiences you.

that is what it means to put you first.

you belong at the top of your to do list! be more faithful to yourself than to anyone else.

and remember that prioritising your self is not about fitting more into your day… it’s about fitting more of your self into your day.

invest in yourself because you are worthy of the investment – whether it is time or money or energy or space or rest or joy or whatever it is your self needs – make a deposit! invest in filling your self up with more of what your true self needs, more of what makes you you. invest space, time, energy to be with your self… learning you, using your strengths, following your desires, honouring your purpose.

investing in your self is not a reward in exchange for your productivity, your achievement, your success, or your progress. rest is not a reward in exchange for exhaustion. joy is not a reward in exchange for depletion. time for yourself is not a reward in exchange for all that you’ve given to everyone else.

you are worthy of the investment now. you do not have to wait until you are empty in order to fill yourself up again. make a deposit for your self today.

the more you invest in you, the more you increase your capacity to feel, heal, explore, reflect, learn, grow, try… everything we are here to do in this lifetime.

thanks for joining me today, i hope it gave you something to explore as a potential pathway for self-leadership. good luck on your “wellness journey” – ha! i had to say it! but with all my heart, i really do wish you well.

karen gunton20 February 2023Comment